September 2, 2015


This episode, titled GRAVE INJUSTICE (watch here), was over the top emotional for me, actually looking back, it kind of was for everyone in the house.  It started out as an ordinary day at bootcamp, expecting the unexpected and putting on a brave face.  Since we had already gone through the ICU drill, I thought we were in the clear and headed for more simpler or should I say, less intense and emotional exercises.  Well surprise, not today!  We were immediately split up into groups and told to dig deep and remember a significant instance or experience in our childhood or life that hurt and damaged us severely, it could relate to anyone or anything, the overall drill, little did we know at that time, was about forgiveness, but it started off with brining up the pain from our past.  I really tried my best to not go where the counselors ultimately lead me to, when we were split up into our group sessions I didn’t have a bad thing to say about my childhood, I AM BLESSED!  Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive it haha.  But really, they kept digging at me trying to find my weakest point, and then they found it – they brought up my brother Christopher.  Now, I know I already spoke about this in previous episodes, so I kind of did put it out on the table for discussion, but it is something that I still have a very hard time dealing with to this day.  It just so happened that the day we filmed this episode, it was the 1 year anniversary of the death of my little brother Christopher, and I was already struggling with being away from my family and reeling in sadness, hurt and pain.  Although bootcamp had it’s ups and downs, I don’t think it was a random coincidence that this exercise happened to fall on the date of my brothers passing.  I was still holding onto so much anger and hatred for the people that were bad influences on him and around him during his final days. I feel like it was meant for me to be there and to go through this in some capacity to release my mind of their negativity and hold they had over my thoughts.  The counselors were able to find my weak spot and help me to find a way to try to forgive, not for the other person, but for myself – to set myself free of any hatred or blame, and be able to focus on the good memories of the 25 years I had with my little brother.

All that being said, I’d rather not get into any more on here regarding that.  One day, a long time from now, when I’m ready, I’m sure I’ll post all about it and voice my perspective of the story of Christopher and what happened, but for now, I need to leave it be and continue on the grieving and healing process.

As soon as Elizabeth had gotten me to expose my weakest most sensitive point, I was on a serious level of sadness and hurt, hence all of the lovely memes you saw floating around social media.  If you missed this episode I highly suggest watching it as forgiveness is a powerful thing.  Now to make this recap a little more fun, light-hearted and a little easier on myself, I’m going to do a little photo book style recap.

Here we are settling into our seats for the day, getting ready to hear about what fun activity we are about to dive into!  Not too thrilled as bootcamp is winding down and we are all physically and emotionally exhausted.  On a lighter note, here’s my typical hair flip, Aubs does the best impression of it if you get to see the outtakes, maybe one day!

Fact:  I am fully aware that I have a serious case of whats known as resting bitch face, I own it, but hey, at least it prevents aging!

However, there are multiple types of my resting bitch face – here you see the classic, just chilling RBF.  

Below is my serious concern, I feel your pain and am hurting for you RBF – Trav had all of us in tears,  I appreciated his openness and honesty to the group since he was the first to tell his story.  Showing emotion is a sign of strength not weakness, you need to allow yourself to feel the pain in order to properly heal from any traumatic experience.

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Now onto these next two photos:

First up is a RBF of me sensing some bullshit story about to come through, or to my surprise, maybe Hank will open up about something…but a woman’s intuition is everything (as most of you should know by now!)  

The second is of me flat out grilling Hank with a RBF of you are totally full of shit but hey, I have asthma too, so I’m even more confused at how you are in tears over this.  Everyone in our group collectively rolled their eyes and tried not to make eye contact with each other to not burst out into hysterics, hysterics of laughing that is – TAMI you know I am talking to you girl with those looks you were throwing our way!  I couldn’t even glance at you with this nonsense going on!  Again, nothing against asthma!

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Here is my RBF of getting into the hatred I held onto for the people that were in my my brother’s life around the time of passing, and how I think they are the scum of the Earth.  Then I hit my lowest point in the entire bootcamp process and was in a very sad and dark place while thinking about these bad influences of people.  I was angry, sad and missing my smart, loving, goofball of a little brother that I wish was still in my life every single day.  Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 3.42.58 PMScreen Shot 2015-07-29 at 3.43.02 PM

Mike had a hard day with this exercise as well.  He has been through the ringer with the amount of ups and downs he’s experienced in his life and had a major rift with his father for years.  He has begun the process of trying to heal that relationship, but like anything in life, it all takes time.  We both were so emotional this day, it was very difficult to get through the entire nights drill (which took HOURS).  Thank you DiSaronno for helping me through this night.  

Below is my beyond heated RBF getting ready to write a letter to the Devil…Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 3.44.26 PM

In my letter I refused to acknowledge the shitty person by name who was around my brother the days before he passed, so Elizabeth suggested for me to start with ‘Dear Devil’, you are a piece of shit blah blah blah…but luckily Karma is a bitch so I don’t have to be…’Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 3.44.30 PM

Sidenote: I got a lot of questions on what nail polish I was wearing this episode, it’s Fiji by Essie and is my go to signature color!  It does look different on all skin tones, but if you’re looking for a similar pinkish color Essie’s Muchi Muchi may work for you!

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After we all exposed out deepest hurtful moments in our entire lives, I was beyond heated.  Mostly because of what was on my mind from my personal life, but also because in my group EVERYONE was open, honest and truthful and trying their best to heal and learn from each other.  Even Jeff, although he says he felt bad that he didn’t have a dramatic story to tell, he was honest!  He told a story that affected him as a child and that is 100% more respectable than someone sitting on that couch, listening to us all cry our eyes out about serious things and then turning around and crying about their experiences with childhood asthma.  Listen, I’m not saying thats not something serious, but I have gotten to know Hank while we were in the house, I know for fact he has things going on within his own life that could really be hurting him.  I wasn’t saying he had to bring up the cheating scandal at all, but I was hoping there would have been some kind of authentic conversation to relate to the group, especially if you are brining on the waterworks!  So long story short, don’t come to me about your asthma after I just balled my eyes out about the terrible experience I went through.   I was still reeling from brothers death, and I spoke in detail about the people around him the days before he passed that then showed up to his funeral, put on a facade and acted like they had nothing to do with it (yes, a lot of the backstory story about my brother was cut out, so another time when I have enough strength to tell it, I will get into that)!  I was heated from my own experience but also I had just had ENOUGH of the elephant in the room and dancing around problems in group settings.  Just don’t be part of the group, go do your own thing on your own time or on your own show that you have, stop wasting everyone else’s time when the rest of us were ALL giving it everything we had.

Back to the lighter side of things, RBF while eating a banana and literally speechless after what we just witnessed…

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So as you all saw on the show, here I’m just airing my frustrations to Aubrey & Travis about what went on earlier.  Since they had been seeing this elephant in the room from day 1, I was finally catching on and just had enough of the bs in the house.  My point was don’t make me come in here, break down all the walls I have, expose myself in the rawest of ways emotionally, and then sit me across from people just playing along with a show, whether for a check or to stay relevant I don’t know what.  Clearly we were all hired for this, so yes, we all got paid.  But everyone in that house seemed to give it their all other than Kendra and Hank – and I think Hank would have had he been given the opportunity to speak on his own.

Back to the RBF –  here it is again first chatting with Aubrey & Travis with them just looking at me like, girl, where have you been all week?  haha

next is another serious RBF in reflection, what is going on, what am I doing here, I’m really sad right now and in deep thought at the same time

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Here’s some nice editing for you, after doing our group session Mike and I were trying to relax and were frustrated with all of the past pain being brought up when we are in the midst of enough real life current problems and stress, we didn’t really want to go back in time and focus on the past, the present issues were enough for us to handle!

RBF laying on the couch


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RBF sensing some bullshit coming our way…Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 3.49.45 PM

RBF oh you really went there, you now want me to go to a grave site and bury this person – OK I’m game for that!Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 3.50.18 PM


Mike was the first to go outside to the ‘gravesite’ so I didn’t get to see how it went until we watched it back.  I was so happy to see that Jim was able to recognize how to get Mike to break down his walls.  Just like Mike said, a lot of people think they need to be mean to him and yell to get their point across, but if you actually speak to him in a kind way, he will let his guard down and let his emotions come through.  Mike is such a strong, loving man, I am so appreciative of all he has taught me in life and for the unconditional love he has given me.  I guess it was more of a bittersweet feeling watching him do this, I was proud of him for showing his true emotions, that is the only way we can heal from the pain.
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I am the definition of a mama bear personality.  Don’t mess with my cubs: my family, my love, my friends or any of the people I love.  I’ve always been this way, even since I was a little girl (oh the stories I could tell).  So when it was my turn to bury the issue, I did, aggressively – I slammed that shovel of dirt on top of them, oops I mean the letter, so hard that Elizabeth, Jim & everyone else watching was taken aback at my strength.  Moral of the story, don’t mess with me or the people I love, or I will bury you like shown below in my Chanel espadrilles…ok well just the letter I write about you and your disgraceful ways.  And then, like I did below, I will walk away, head held high, like a boss – healed without you having any control over me, my feelings and thoughts, and life.  RIP past present and future people who try to hurt me.  I will always bury and forgive, not for you, but for myself, because I damn well deserve to live a life full of happiness and love. I forgive you.  I’m free! 🙂Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 4.00.10 PM Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 4.00.12 PM Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 4.00.13 PM Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 4.00.14 PM


♥♥♥  Lauren’s look of the day ♥♥♥ #llotd

♥ rag & bone/jean in animal print, sold out, here’s a similar look from Stella McCartney and on sale now!  – you can really get this look with any (decent) animal print fitted pant or denim

♥ chanel gold chain sandals, not sold online, here are an almost identical Gucci pair (just different logo) and you can swap in any of the gold flip flops you prefer, more are linked in the slideshow below 

james press black tee shirt – I love almost all of his stuff, the tanks, tees and dresser are made of a super comfortable jersey cotton that just fits you perfectly – clearly any black tee will fit this look!  checkout forever21 for basics on the most affordable budget!

splendid mixed media black jacket – super lightweight and a staple fall piece, throw over any look to sophisticate or just to warm up!

♥ evening grave-scene look ♥

black bcbg legging – made of a thick ponte material and goes with everything, they wash really well too, I always stock up on these in the fall!

♥  I’m wearing an a|x sweater from last fall, but here’s a great similar  bb dakota black sweater, and more forever21 in the slideshow!

♥ chanel espadrilles aren’t sold online, but as usual here are alternatives! Gucci logo espadrilles, forever21 black espadrilles


x baci
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